I am in the third week of my vacation, and I am feeling down – that same low grade dissatisfaction that has been haunting me for a while. And it can’t be seasonal – because it’s the middle of summer. It can’t be exhaustion, because I’ve been sleeping A LOT. It can’t be loneliness – because for one thing I enjoy my solitude and for another, the very thought of being in a relationship scares me sh*tless (excuse my french). And yet I’m having trouble connecting to my joy. I’m feeling stuck. I’m feeling that life is passing me by. I’m wanting to hide myself away. I don’t know what direction to take. Some might say “Do what you love” – but I don’t know what I love.
What if I never find happiness?
What if my life never changes?
Maybe I should look at the answers to these questions seriously. If my life never changes, I will always be living in Norway, in my little cottage in the country, where I can grow vegetables, and watch tv shows with my cat on my lap. I will work in the emergency dept until I retire. I will have vacations in Crete. I will travel with my children, enjoy my grandchild. I will walk in the forest with my dog, maybe go to agility trials, maybe continue swimming or orienteering, or both. I will take online courses in spirituality, practice yoga and meditation. I will keep to my budget and slowly pay off my debts – but I earn well enough that I will still be able to eat healthy, and enjoy the occasional musical or movie. When I put it down like this, it doesn’t sound so bad. It actually sounds pretty ideal. So why doesn’t it light my fire! Why doesn’t it spark my passion? What is wrong with me?
Maybe what is wrong is the struggle itself. Thinking that I have to “get rid of” these feelings of melancholy and dissatisfaction. Maybe the pressure to be happy is part of the problem. Maybe what I really need to do is surrender to what is. Be open to change but without trying to force it.
My life is pretty perfect. This feeling of melancholy – is it not perhaps how a Soul must feel, when it can only experience the physical/material aspects of life? I believe that we as human beings are more than physical beings, limited by birth and death. I believe that we are actually spiritual beings having a human physical experience. I also believe that we keep coming back to this experience. But if you think about it, we probably spend much more time (linear time as experienced in physical life – I am aware that time may have a completely different quality in other dimensions -), not living in physical incarnation, but living in other dimensions. I am starting to wonder if I am becoming more aware that there is more to my existence than this perfect life. Perhaps this melancholy that I experience is a result of this increasing awareness, and that my Soul is yearning to experience the rest of reality – the non-physical reality in which it has it’s home, but of which I am as yet unable to have a conscious experience or memory.
Within the acorn lies the potential of the oak. Within the caterpillar lies the potential of the butterfly. Is this feeling of melancholy what the acorn would feel as the seedling begins to take form within it? Is it what the caterpillar would feel as it begins to dissolve and transform within the cocoon?